Gerard's P.O.V

  Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! Shit, he's on to me. Was I really that obvious? I can't do this again, I just can't. I can already feel myself falling. It's like Jayson all over again. Wait a minute, maybe I should explain this.

  I realised I was gay when I was 18, and that's about the time I realised I also fall in and out of love too quickly. It's a major flaw in my personality and it means my heart is literally a patchwork quilt. 
 
  I started off with a girl, and being naive and stupid thought it was love at first sight. I was only 16 but even I can see I was being an idiot. Basically, she cheated on me, and I wouldn't believe it when people told me. Not Mikey, not my best friend Ray, not my parents, not even her best friend. I wouldn't accept it 'til I saw photographic evidence but I won't go into that, it hurts too much. 

  Same thing happened with my first boyfriend Lewis. He was one of Mikey's friends and he was a big mistake. I must have 'MUG' tattooed on my forehead.

  Then there was Martin when I was 20. Don't even make me go there, the guy was a pervert. Still makes me shiver to this day.

  Then there was Ben when I was 22. The scars from that one are more than psychological. If I wasn't afraid of needles, there'd be tattoos covering the shame. The motherfucker even made me believe it was my fault.

  Jayson was pretty much the last straw before I decided not to get involved with serious relationships anymore. I fell in love with him so quickly, I'd asked him to marry me within a year, then it all went fucked up. He agreed to marry me, giving me false hope, then he slept around with five other guys...that we knew. That were our friends. That were invited to our WEDDING. What a motherfucking bastard!

  As you can see, my love life has been pretty tragic. What if it happens again with Frank? I can't risk it. If I get one more hole in my heart, it might just break for good. 

  I've pulled myself back so many times, I don't think I could take it again. Not even Mikey would be able to get me out of it this time. He had a hard enough job the last two times. 

  Finding me on the bathroom floor wasn't exactly a good experience for either of us. Especially as my wrists were slit and I was bleeding out slowly. They just added to the scars I already had, the only ones that were my fault. but of course, being beaten up by your boyfriend isn't as bad as being cheated on by your fiance five times over, so of course that lead to worse consequences. Not only did I start cutting again, but drink and drugs had their place in my life too. My rubbish bin consisted of gallon jugs of vodka, hypodermic needles, and empty fag packets for the best part of the year. Mikey only realised there was something wrong when he noticed I'd dropped 4st in weight. I was a skinny runt to begin with, so I looked really sick by this time. 

  I remember one fateful day when Mikey walked in on me while I was shooting up. Shooting up is when you know you've become a junkie.

  How Mikey got me through the shaking and puking of going cold turkey I will never know. I can't really remember but I think I got violent and attacked him a couple of times. He said he got the black eye from a bar brawl but even to this day, I don't believe him.

  Slightly after this period, when I was clean and sober, is when I developed a fear of needles or anything resembling them.

  But, why do I think Frank will be the same as them? My past history has made me really paranoid, but he seems like a really nice guy. They all did though, even the girls seemed like really nice guys. Wait a minute, scrap that. It didn't make sense.
  Maybe I should write a pros and cons list. 

  First off, lets face it, he is a hottie (I'm not shallow at all, am I?). Secondly, he's really easy to talk to. Then there's the fact that he appreciates art. He's a complete idiot too, but in a good way of course. And lastly, he's short, but there are cons.

  First one, he lives a whole state away. There's also a chance that as he's so hot, he could end up having complete control over me. His work means he travels a lot so I'd never get to see him and never know what he was up to. Lastly, he's got to be in demand, jealousy might just drive me mad.

  Five to four. That's pretty tight. But still, I can't risk another downward spiral. I can't risk this job again. He'll just have to go on the back burner for a while. I will force myself to get him out of my head. Well, I suppose I've left him waiting long enough.

From: artdevil666@yahoo.com
To: shortbutsweet755@hotmail.com
Date: 03/24/2008
Time: 6:43pm
Subject: Big answer

Give me time.